It was nice to get away for awhile. Christmas was a nice, relaxing time in which all I did was eat, sleep, and read. I read an autobiography of MLK, For Whom the Bell Tolls, The Sun Also Rises, The Sickness Unto Death and some music magazines courtesy of my sister who works at Tower Records. I need to finish the Kierkegaard book though. I started it about 15 months ago but set it down to read Immortality. I'm glad I did. I can understand and comprehend it so much more now. I’m sure maturity has something to do with it.

I've been watching the news and reading of the tsunamis in South East Asia. I have such a desire to go and help. If I could get someone to pay my ticket and if I was able to hook up with some organization, I would leave this instant and wouldn't even say goodbye. My EMT work here could wait. We have it too good here.

There are times in your life in which it is shown to you who you really are. Dissappointment surrounds their face and you realize how much of a bastard you are. I am a bastard. You look back at a series of events in which your selfish heart and angry emotion take over and all you do is hang your head. Ashamed. I've got a bad emotional hangover this morning. And only time can heal it. And man, do I need to grow up.

I look up at the man that I want to be and see how far I have to go. It's so far.

I finally finished my EMT class yesterday. I'm so happy to be done with that final. Now I can study for the National Exam in January.

I want 2004 to end. It's been a hard on me. Espeacially the last 7 months.

I also need a vacation. Need to get away from here for a little bit.

I'm almost done with my EMT class. I just took one of my finals, a test for LA County, which was HARD, and I have a skill final on Friday. If I pass both of these exams, I will able to take the National RegistryExam sometime in mid-January. After all the exams I took, all the clinical hours(60+), I still feel like I'm a novice in emergency pre-hospital care. I still feel like I should know so much more. I'm not satisfied.

Today I've been looking back at the past six months and realizing how much shit I've been through. I haven't been happy in a long time. I want to be happy. I want to be at a point in life where I can say, "Wow, life is great." It's been awhile. And I don't know if that time will come soon. It seems that everything is slipping through my fingers. I know that everyone has gone through these times, I myself have been through them before, but at this time, I've never felt so alone. So helpless. I hope that I'm suppose to feel this helplessness. It maybe this weakness that helps me through this time.

I See A Darkness

Well, you're my friend
And can you see
Many times we've been out drinking
Many times we've shared our thoughts
Did you ever, ever notice, the kind of thoughts I got
Well you know I have a love, for everyone I know
And you know I have a drive, for life I won't let go
But sometimes this opposition, comes rising up in me
This terrible imposition, comes blacking through my mind

And then I see a darkness
Oh no, I see a darkness
Do you know how much I love you
Cause I'm hoping some day soon
You'll save me from this darkness

Well I hope that someday soon
We'll find peace in our lives
Together or apart
Alone or with our wives
And we can stop our whoring
And draw the smiles inside
And light it up forever
And never go to sleep
My best unbeaten brother
That isn't all I see

And then I see a darkness
Oh no, I see a darkness
Do you know how much I love you
Cause I'm hoping some day soon
You'll save me from this darkness

What is a man to do with a heart that cannot take anymore pain? He is a shadow of humanity. A broken vessel that cannot hold anymore. A sail that is so tattered that the wind cannot be caught. An uprooted tree.

It feels that my blood now circulates backwards. Poison is in my veins. I would do anything to feel something different.

Let the Water flow over me.

And maybe someday I can stand on solid ground again.

I've been listening to U2's new album for most of this day. I can't say it's one of my favorite albums but it is growing on me. It's actually a little hard for me to listen to because some of the songs remind me of a past relationship. For some reason, U2's albums always hit me at particular moments in my life. "All That You Can't Leave Behind" did that a few years ago and now this one is doing the same.

I've been thinking about moving to Portland, Oregon for the past two months and it seems that some things are falling into place that that might actually be the direction that God is leading me towards. There is an opportunity there for me to advance in my profession and continuing education. Plus, I am very tired of Los Angeles. It would be a huge step for me and I feel I must make it. If that actually happens, I definitely write a book up there. I have a story in mind that will definitely be worth writing.

Life is still hard but good.

By the way, somehow when I made a express deposit at my bank, they lost my check. And it seems that I can't do anything about it. Very depressing. All that work lost. I guess when it rains it pours. I request that if you are of the praying persuation, please intecede the Almighty on my behalf. I need it. I hope there is purpose in this.

I loved being up at five in the morning, driving my car with the windows down and feeling that brisk air hit my face. Seeing the sun rise in my rearviewmirror makes me want to keep on driving till I reach panama.

I've wanting to go to Cuba lately. I want to live on the shore and go fishing for Marlin everyday. I can imagine fighting for hours against these monsters till my hands are completely raw and my back broken. Then would I pour the cool salt water over my head and I would fight some more. Then I would tie that giant fish to my boat and if any sharks come up to feast on my bounty, I will shoot them with my Thompson Machine Gun.

I was recently thinking about Dinosaurs and how massive their internal organs must have been. Can you imagine the size of a Brachiosaurus' heart? It was hundreds and hundreds of pounds pumping blood through a body that weighted over 60 tons.

My recent days have been so full of mix feelings. I don't know what to think sometimes. I am both tired, frustrated, excited, sad, determined and goofy and the same time. I just want to climb to the highest point in the land and scream. And then maybe dive into the sea and live there for 40 years. Maybe take over a small, tropical island and make the natives bring me fish so that I can prepare a great feast for them. And then take a nine iron to my neighbors, for all the crack that they dealt.

I'm all over the place.

Life is funny right now. Unexpected. Confusing. Very hard but very good.

"I'm a wheel."

I think I'm going to dive into the cold water today. It calls me like an old love. Yearning to feel my warm touch. And want to feel its dark, deep, cold heart. Let it wash over me. I want to feel the pleasure again.

It has been difficult as of late to get on the internet because of my roommates purchase of laptops and our house going wireless. I think that I need to bring my computer to Whittier and install a wireless card.

I'm as sick as a dog right now. I caught a bad cold that has forced me to miss work and have some very unpleasent sleepless nights. My cough is getting so bad that my chest is hurting.

I just finished a clinical at Foothill Presbyterian Hospital which was a lot of fun. I some how managed to suppress my cold till after I got out of there.

Life is tough right now. I got no money but I can't do anything about that because in two months I'll have my EMT-B certificate and I can start working. Though $8.25 an hour is pretty bad, at least I will enjoy my work. And it's just a stepping stone to Medical school. However many years it may take me to finish up my requierments to get in. Maybe I'll just be an RN.

It has been a long and stressful week filled with sleeplessness, fatigue and some more emotional agnst. But I'm not complaining. This is all part of the human experience called life. And as Job says, whom am I only to praise God only during the good times but through times of inequity as well. (MSJV)

I'm emotionally racked from the concern of others(ok only one "other") and it kills me that I can do nothing else but fight from my knees. My complex has made me someone who wants to help and save people yet I'm learning one the hardest lessons of life right now which is being helpless. It's easy for some people to just look the other way or put themselves in such a position in which they see themselves above the fray of life that others are going through. Though I consider these people assholes. I want to see myself as equal to others and if capable, help them. Though I know this can turn into a problem later on. I can see the danger of myself turning into Holden Caulfield from the Cather in the Rye. Or like everyone else in my profession of the civil servent/adrenaline junkies, being able to help everyone else yet not being able to help themselves. I don't want to become a burnout. Maybe I should seek counseling, when I have the money. Or through my church.

Though I must say, that going to my clinicals is the only part of my life that I'm excited about right now. I enjoy myself so much there. Amongst the blood, the cries of pain, and the looks of despair, I see the hope in all these individuals. The line between death and life is very thin there and I like being a soldier on that frontline.

love will call you by name
in it's dulcet tones
briars and brambles you once trod
will give way to pathways of loam

though your eyes are almost closed
and your ears are shut
soon the hand that riles the world
will poke you in your pale gut

there will be no archers, naked and fat
there will be no orchestra swells
when you hear love's lucid and elegant cry
there will be no pealing of bells

when it starts, starts to call
you will turn your head
and for the inaugural time
you'll shake off the shackles of dread

there will not be a whisper or yelp from afar
there will not be a word calm and coy
for when love calls your name it will ring bright and full
like a bungle call through the white noise

Last night I spent a good hour in the rain. From about 2:30 to 3:30am I was walking around my neighborhood, letting that water hit my head and careen down my face. I love the rain. And the first rain of the season is always the best. My entire body was soaked.

There is something about the element of water that I enjoy so much. My older sister can attest to this. I have always felt in my most natural state being in or around water. I felt like a wilted plant that has finally felt the first shower after a long drout.

Lately Sundays have been a strange day for me. I have been the most emotional and most reflective on these days. I am always attacked on Sunday. Even on the day of rest they do not sleep. These are usually my days of battle.

There are a lot of people I know who are going through very trying times right now. It's so sad. I know of a couple broken marriages, break-ups, and especially depression. I know that I am going through depression right now and it's hard to fight it. I can't let go of myself because I don't want to go deeper. I know what could happen to me and that is somewhere I never want to be again. No one really really knows how close I came to the end. But God is good. He has never left me, even in the wilderness. He has taught me so much.

Psalm 42

¹ As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.
² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?
³ My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, Where is your God?
⁴ These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.
⁵
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and
⁶ my God.
My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon--from Mount Mizar.
⁷ Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.
⁸
By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me--a prayer to the God of my life.
⁹
I say to God my Rock, Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?
¹⁰ My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, Where is your God?
¹¹
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God.

Psalm 43

¹ Vindicate me, O God, and plead my cause against an ungodly nation; rescue me from deceitful and wicked men.
² You are God my stronghold. Why have you rejected me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?
³ Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell.
⁴ Then will I go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the harp, O God, my God.
⁵
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God.

A Conversation Between A Junkie And An EMT-B Intern.

Patient is a male in his mid-twenties, he had just been given a dose of Narcan. His pulse was at 135, tachypnic, ashen skin color, with pin point pupils. He had just overdosed on heroin half an hour ago.

Patient in Semi-Fowlers position, given 15L O2 with nonrebreathable mask. IV administered.

Junkie: [taking off mask]
I will never shoot up again. Oh God, I hate this shit. I'm so fucking cold.

EMT-B Intern: [laughing, laying blanket on patient]

Junkie: Why the hell are you laughing?

EMT-B Intern: Because I'm the only one who believes you.

Junkie: What?

EMT-B Intern: I said I'm the only one who believes that you will never shoot up again.

Junkie: Yeah... Your right. I've said that so many times. I don't believe myself anymore. I can't do it. What am thinking? I'm so full of shit. Why do you think I can stop?

EMT-B Intern: Because I need hope just as much as you do. If you couldn't stop, why would I be here to help you?

Junkie: God help me. I want to be free of this.

Patient immediately guards chest and soon after becomes unconscious. Ambulance stops to activate CPR and AED. Heart goes into asystole . Continued CPR all the way to the ER. Patient is pronounced dead on arrival.

Everyone, at least once in their life, should be able to help birth a child. Having just recently done it, it's still a little hard to talk about it. Not that it was a traumatic experience but because it was so amazing. The feeling is still with me. I hope someday soon I can articulate the feelings. It kind of makes me want to be a father.

When I use to box, I remember the feeling of being absolutly out of energy right before the last round. I would feel all the wounds on my body start to swell up and the distinct taste of blood in my mouth. I would feel legs starting to give way and my hands became so heavy that I could barely lift them up. And then my trainer would say the exact same thing to me in every bout. "Hey Mikey, how good does it feel right now. How good does it feel to be a boxer?" And those words always made me smile. It made me smile because I was fighting. I was broken, I had nothing in me, yet I was still going.

At this point in my life, I'm out of energy and all I want to do is give up. But why stop fighting? Why give up? Emotion aside, I can't stop. As much pain as I feel right now, it makes me smile that when I look at the my past, I'm still fighting. I don't really understand it, but here I am trying to get up for the next round. I can't do anything about the previous rounds I fought. I can't change it. I can't suddenly make the pain go away, in fact I kind of like it. All I can do is stand up and try to knock that son-of-a-bitch out because I know I have more fight than him.

Depression has tried me out. It has taken my will. But now I want it back. While Faith, Hope and Love are watching from my corner knowing the tide is finally turning again.

As the pain is still real, the want is still there, but the fight is just beginning. I can't stay in my corner because I am meant to fight. Life does not get easier. But it may get better. And that is worth fighting for. Love may hurt more than anything in this world, yet it is worth more than anything in this world.

But right now, I'm not fighting for Love, I've already won that battle. My battle, my fight, is with myself. And I need to win because there are things for me to do that have been planned long ago. I cannot lose.

Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur

Once again
I find myself sinking
softly
slowly
into the deep dark morass
of depression...
I ask myself
why bother
who cares?
I make myself get up
face another day
but I don't want to...
just want to crawl away
hide in a hole (cave?)
let the calm
cool
darkness
surround me...
then I realise what's happening
I cannot let this happen
again...
I must bring myself back up
into the light
I must fight
this depression

The Beast in Me

With regards to my last post, I'm reminded of song by Johnny Cash. How appropriate that he wrote it.

The beast in me
Is caged by frail and fragile bars
Restless by day and by night
Rants and rages at the stars
God help the beast in me

The beast in me
Has had to learn to live with pain
And how to shelter from the rain
And in the twinkling of an eye
Might have to be restrained
God help the beast in me

Sometimes it tries to kid me
That it's just a teddy bear
And even somehow manage to vanish in the air
And that is when I must beware
Of the beast in me that everybody knows
They've seen him out dressed in my clothes
Patently unclear if it's New York or New Year
God help the beast in me

The beast in me

My Darkness

Most of you who know me, understand that I was not cut from the same vine as a majority of people. I have experienced and seen things which I pray that none of you will ever have to know. A question that has plagued me for some time is why do people see this darkness in me while they know nothing about it? People will meet me and automatically see something in me that is.... I don't even know how to put it. I'll give you a couple examples of want I mean. First, since I was in high school, about my junior year, there was this shift in my peers, that made them say things about me as a fighter. Before this, I never was a fighter. I was a good kid that had good grades. But then the darkness came. I fought pretty often, played with some substances, and was actually feared by people. Case in point, while in an English class, working on a group project, I spent a few hours a week with three classmates(girls), who said to me, "Mike you're such a nice guy. But we thought of you as so intimidating. You are actually pretty scary." This bothered me for a long time. When I played football, my teammates said that when I put on my helmet, everything changed in me. They said I became an animal. Not knowing my physical limitations and having no fear. Those statements bothered me as well. Growing up through college and finding more of myself, I worked on my weaknesses, including the darkness in me. In my junior year at Biola, I made it a point to focus on the idea of Love in my life. And I'm not talking about romantic love but spiritual love. Loving one as you love yourself and taking in the considerations of others before you think about yourself. This was my escape from the darkness. Yet, it still is in me. Many see it. But I now know it's there and how God has used it to form me. It does not control me. Yet it still scares me sometimes. I see how it has influenced my life. I see how it has given me my perception of the world, of sin, my fallenness, and my passions in life. My understanding of the darkness has kept me away from the meaninglessness of the world. And though because of it, I can feel all the pain in this world, I can also feel joy that is indescribable.

I find it so strange that people still see it now. I was even once asked, "So what's your big secret." How do I get a nickname like "dead mike?" It's because as much as I try to hide it, my eyes reveal it.

I find it very hard to let go of feelings. Mainly because I don't want to. But when you know it's in the best interest of everyone to let go, you must. And hope kills me. I don't want to give up on hope. I guess this is my new struggle. To some how hope yet let go at the same time. Pain is still in me yet I know that healing will soon begin.

Sometimes the pain is so great that all you want to do is cut yourself open so that it may bleed out of you. To cut open your chest and take out the very organ that causes this pain. I can't escape it. I cannot run away. It will not leave me. Why do I feel like I'm alone in this? This grief is consuming me. I will never give my heart away like this again. I will never fully love again. I feel like a shadow of myself. How can I be fully honest again? Everyone is a liar. Everyone is a thief. And I tried to live in a world where I thought love could conquer all. And the worst part of this feeling is that I still love regardless. I can't stop. Why won't God harden my heart? Why won't He let me forget? Why does He let me feel so much when she feels nothing? What am I too learn? Why do I still love? Help me God because no one else can. No one knows my pain but you do. And I have nothing left to fight my old foes who have come at my doorstep, after being away for years. I'm almost ready to give up.

It has been so hard to sleep this week. My mind is becoming my own prison in which I have conversations with people in my head which drives me to feel such great emotional angst. I can hardly study. All I do is pray constantly. I can understand when Paul says to pray without ceasing. That is all I can do. I have such a heaviness in me. A burden that I can barely lift. Though everyday I constantly see God reminding me that He cares and is here with me. Be it through friends, family, and even some strangers I've met. And there have been some note worthy things that have occurred but are too personal in nature to disclose here. I'd rather you ask me about them in person. It's still so hard yet these things let me understand that there is purpose.

Bringing Out The Dead



I just saw a great film. Everyone needs to rent Bringing

 Out The Dead.It's about three days of a paramedic's life

in New York. Nick cage is in it. It's directed by Martin

Scorsese. Here are some notable lines from it.





           Saving someone's life is like falling

            in love, the best drug in the world.

            For days, sometimes weeks afterwards,

            you walk the street making infinite

            whatever you see. Once, for weeks I

            couldn't feel the earth. Everything

            I touched became light. Horns played

            in my shoes; flowers fell from my

            pockets ...



            You wonder if you've become immortal,

            as if you saved your own life as

            well. What was once criminal and

            happenstance suddenly makes sense.

            God has passed through you, why deny

            it, that for a moment there, God was

            you.



            I realized that my training was useful

            in less than ten percent of the calls

            and saving someone's life was rarer

            than that. As the years went by I

            grew to understand that my role was

            less about saving lives than about

            bearing witness. I was a grief mop

            and much of my job was to remove, if

            even for a short time, the grief

            starter or the grief product. It was

            enough I simply showed up.

Better Now

So I think that I am now over this bizaare sickness that is West Nile. I ended up getting it by helping a friend pick up a dead bird off her porch in Pismo Beach last weekend. Looking back in hindsight, it was a very innocent thing to do, yet i should have known better than to pick it up with my bare hands, regardless of how fast I washed my hands afterwords. I'm going back to the doctor tomorrow because they want to check me out and make sure that everything is ok. At least now I'm immune to it.

Life has been tough lately for myself and also for many around me. I'm alomost waiting for the next wave to hit. Lots of saddness. Life is really hard to live right now. I'm trying to prevent the oncoming depression that is at my doorstep right now. I am noticing the sign of it in my life and I'm making steps to combat it. I'm trying to remain as social as I can and try to throw myself into my studies but this has proved to be very difficult. I'm going to start running again tomorrow to see if physical activity can help my mind and heart.

I've been listening to a lot of old Jamaican music lately. Some Willie Williams, Bob & Marcia, Desmond Decker, The Gaylads, The Maytals, The Upsetters, The Pioneers, Simaryp, etc. I love this stuff. Uplifting right now. It makes me move.

So I got news from the doctor today and my blood tests reveal that I contracted West Nile virus. I can't believe it. No wonder I've been feeling so sick. I'll be alright in about a week so no one should worry. I'll write more about it later after I get out of class.

Sick

I hate being sick in such hot weather. But this doesn't feel like a normal cold. It feels worse. I stopped by the doctor yesterday to see what was up. I'll find out soon what the hell is wrong with me.

Friendship

It has been a while since I last posted. And some new developments happened and are hopefully happening. First off, I very excited to see Kristin on Saturday. I haven't seen her in six weeks and timne has been passing by so slowly since I last saw her on the east coast. I also have started my EMT class on Monday and I'm very excited about it. It's at Citrus college, right next to APU. I plan on posting a lot of details about the class, especially about my clinicals. I'm sure that there will be good storys to tell. It also looks like i might be getting hired to substitute teach in Whittier. I hope this is the case, seeing that I called the school district office twenty times before they finally got me a interview and they are now taking my fingerprints and getting my emergency credential. With this news, I will also be moving back to Whittier. It's up in the air where exactly I will be living, depending on if Darren moves to Seattle for awhile. So it seems that all the things that I was praying about and hoping for about two months ago have almost come through. God is good.

New Link

I put up a new link that all of you should check out. It's an organization that makes very inexpensive wheelchairs for people in third world nations. I've started to give my tithe to them.

????

Do you ever go through some days that you suddenly feel the weight of everything in your world come down on you? Days that seem if one brick in the wall that you trying to build is not there that your whole world is going to fall? I felt that around 10:30pm tonight.

I start my EMT classes on the 17th of August, which is conducted on every Tuesday and Thursday from 5pm to 9:30pm. And it looks like, because of the schedule, that I will not be able attend Matt's Wedding. I can't miss a class.

I'm also waiting to see if I get a substitute teaching job in Whittier. This will(God willing) provide my income to live in the Whittier area.

It would be awesome for all this to work out.

I realized I have never shown any pictures of myself on the blog, other than a picture of me when I was 4. So here is a picture of Kristin and myself. I love this beautiful girl. 

I got a job for the next month. This is really nice seeing that if I get hired fo substitute teaching I will not be working till September. I will be taking inventory for Media warehouse, 40 hours a week, from 4:30pm to 1:00 am.

I miss being in Maine right now. But not so much for the actual location. August 21 cannot come soon enough.

I'm try to write this essay on love right now but my thoughts are all over the place. I'll post it when I get it done.

Darren is back from Guati. Good times.

I am part of a new blog. The virtual porch. Discuss. 

I got back from Maine on Thursday. The trip was soo good. I miss Kristin. I can't write too much right now. I need to think a bit before I let the internet know what's going on in my head.

Flying Out

I'm off to the great state of Maine tomorrow. Going to visit Kristin and her family. Many fun times ahead. I'm kind of nervous. Should have some good pictures up in about 9 days.

Listening to the Word

This is what I'm listening to right now. It's great.

China Town

I went to China Town today with the Pops. We walked around and bought some Chinese herbs and stuff.  


The entrance 


Killer Pandas! 


Some old important dead guy 


Yummy Ducks 


Voyerism 


Birdes 


Baubles 

The Tree


On Friday morning at the Blue Bayou, my safe house in Whittier, part of the tree in the backyard fell. It looks like it caused by rot. Now there is no shade for the porch. Too bad. Just another brick in the wall for our friends. Life has been hard and this tree is symbolic of what we are all going through. 


another view 


another view 


the problem 


from above 

I hate kids. 

I got some pictures for y'all. This is Matt. He may look sad here but he isn't. He rides point in my posse. 

So I got a call today from my boss and he told me not to come into work on Monday. I knew I was laid off but was told earlier that I would be working till the end of the month. Now I am officially jobless again. It's just another brink in the wall. It's been a pretty rough month for my friends and I. Lots of bad stuff happening. But that's life. So who wants to hire me?

And this is me learning one of the finer points in life. Mugging. I'm 3 years old and my sister is about 1  

Here is my totally 80's sister Jen.  

Here I am at age 4 on my Dad's Impala 

Now I can post my very own pictures. Neat! 

I got links.

Scroll on down and see.

I'm going to try to add some new features to this site so that I might be king of the internet some day.

I don't think I want to post anything on here for awhile. I'm trying to do some writing on my own but I don't think this is the best place to do it. At least with personal stuff. Sometimes I feel like I'm too open with people.

I'm doing better. Patience is the key. That and prayer. Work is boring right now. Nothing to do. Office jobs suck. I need to get out. I want to travel right now. Asia sounds good. Africa too. Maybe I'll try the peace core. Anything to get out of here.

I just wrote this huge post but for some reason my computer froze. I hate that. And now I don't feel motivated to write anymore. There is this heaviness I feel in my home today. I don't like it. I'm still sad, but I feel purpose in my sadness. Purpose in my pain.

I feel wronged. I know I did everything that I could have possibly done in my relationship with Kristin to make things work. To show her how much I love her and care for her. I wonder if I was in her situation and she was in mine would she would do the same as I did for her? Was I fooled? Was I blind to what was really going on? Was I taken advantage of? And what do I do now? Do I continue to love her as before? Should I wait? There is a battle in me fighting for what would be right and good and for what God wants me to do. She said that God revealed to her that we are not suppose to be together. Why didn't He tell me this? In fact, I felt God told me the exact opposite. I cannot reconcile this in my head or my heart.

So do I protect my heart or risk it being tortured some more? I've been told a lot of different things and I don't know who to believe. I almost wish that she cheated on me or found someone else or any number of other reasons that could have happened. At least I could deal with that.

She still has my heart. And I don't want it back.

I woke up this morning at 7:30 after getting only 3 hours of sleep. My soul won't let me rest anymore than this. I can't do anything right now but write.

Pain

My girlfriend just broke up with me. I'm hurting. God only knows what's next. I can only lean on Him.

New Look

Blogger just updated their service and I like it. It's nice and black in here now. The only problem I have now is trying to put comments back on. I'm not too html savvy so if you have and answer email me at mikesycz@gmail.com.

How It Started

When I was 7 or 8 years old, I loved to throw a racket ball against our chimney outside and play catch with myself. I spent hours at a time doing this. Using a glove I've had for about 4 years at that point, I worked on my hand-eye coordination to prepare for little league. One day I was playing just as i have been many days before and threw it in such a way that i bounced that racket ball into the alley right behind our house. Now, i have done this many times before hand but this day was different. i went to retrieve the ball and noticed at black audio tape right against the wall of the karate studio that was the other side of the alley. I venture over 20 feet out of my way and pick up this tape that is says, " The Who - Who's Last".

wow. I haven't posted in a long time.

I have been pretty busy at work yet there have been plenty of times to write. It's just hard to start writing when you have not done it in awhile. I've been reading a lot about Satchel Paige lately. Someone needs to make a movie about him. This Saturday will be six months since I started dating Kristin. In hindsight, comparing these last six months to the one's previous, is like comparing night and day. I can't believe how lucky I am.

First Ball Game

This is the box score to the first baseball game I ever went to. My father took me and we met up with my sister's future husband Oscar, his father Pablo, and his brother Ed. I remember the Dodger dogs being very good. I was sitting right next to the Dodger bullpen on the field level.


Chicago Cubs 4, Los Angeles Dodgers 3
DayGame Played on July 1, 1984 (D) at Dodger Stadium
CHI N 0 1 0 2 0 0 0 1 0 - 4 11 1
LA N 0 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 2 - 3 8 1
BATTINGChicago Cubs AB R H RBI BB K PO A
Dernier cf 5 1 1 0 0 0 6 0
Sandberg 2b 4 0 2 0 0 1 2 1
Matthews lf 4 1 2 1 0 1 1 0
Woods lf 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Moreland 1b 3 2 1 0 1 0 6 1
Davis c 4 0 3 2 0 0 5 0
Cey 3b 4 0 1 0 0 0 2 0
Cotto rf 4 0 0 0 0 2 4 0
Owen ss 3 0 0 0 1 0 1 3
Eckersley p 3 0 0 0 0 1 0 3
Johnstone ph 1 0 1 0 0 0 0 0
Smith p 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Brusstar p 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Totals 35 4 11 3 2 5 27 8
FIELDING -
E: Owen (2).
BATTING -
2B: Moreland (6,off Valenzuela).
3B: Davis (2,off Valenzuela).
BASERUNNING -
CS: Sandberg (3,2nd base by Valenzuela/Scioscia).
Los Angeles Dodgers AB R H RBI BB K PO A
Sax 2b 4 0 1 0 1 0 4 5
Landreaux cf 5 0 0 0 0 2 3 0
Stubbs rf 4 0 0 0 0 1 0 0
Guerrero 3b 4 0 0 0 0 1 0 3
Marshall lf 4 1 1 0 0 0 0 0
Scioscia c 3 1 3 0 1 0 4 1
Bailor pr 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Brock 1b 3 1 0 0 1 0 13 1
Anderson ss 3 0 1 1 0 1 2 5
Reynolds ph 1 0 1 1 0 0 0 0
Maldonado pr 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Valenzuela p 2 0 0 0 0 0 1 1
Whitfield ph 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Hooton p 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Russell ph 1 0 1 0 0 0 0 0
Totals 35 3 8 2 3 5 27 16
FIELDING -
DP: 3.
E: Anderson (9).
BATTING -
2B: Scioscia (6,off Eckersley).
PITCHINGChicago Cubs IP H HR R ER BB K
Eckersley W(2-5) 8 4 0 1 1 2 4
Smith 0.2 2 0 2 2 0 0
Brusstar SV(3) 0.1 2 0 0 0 1 1
Totals 9.0 8 0 3 3 3 5
Los Angeles Dodgers IP H HR R ER BB K
Valenzuela L(8-9) 7 6 0 3 3 0 4
Hooton 2 5 0 1 1 2 1
Totals 9 11 0 4 4 2 5
Time of Game: 2:51 Attendance: 47460
Starting Lineups:

Chicago Cubs Los Angeles Dodgers
1. Dernier cf Sax 2b
2. Sandberg 2b Landreaux cf
3. Matthews lf Stubbs rf
4. Moreland 1b Guerrero 3b
5. Davis c Marshall lf
6. Cey 3b Scioscia c
7. Cotto rf Brock 1b
8. Owen ss Anderson ss
9. Eckersley p Valenzuela p

CUBS 1ST: Dernier grounded out (Anderson to Brock); Sandberg
singled to Stubbs; Matthews made an out to Sax; Sandberg was
picked off and caught stealing second (Valenzuela to Brock to
Anderson); 0 R, 1 H, 0 E, 0 LOB. Cubs 0, Dodgers 0.

DODGERS 1ST: Sax made an out to Sandberg; Landreaux grounded out
(Owen to Moreland); Stubbs made an out to Cotto; 0 R, 0 H, 0 E,
0 LOB. Cubs 0, Dodgers 0.

CUBS 2ND: Moreland doubled to Marshall; Davis singled [Moreland
to third]; Cey grounded into a double play (Anderson to Sax to
Brock) [Moreland scored, Davis out at second]; Cotto grounded
out (Sax to Brock); 1 R, 2 H, 0 E, 0 LOB. Cubs 1, Dodgers 0.

DODGERS 2ND: Guerrero struck out; Marshall made an out to Cotto;
Scioscia walked; Brock grounded out (Owen to Moreland); 0 R, 0
H, 0 E, 1 LOB. Cubs 1, Dodgers 0.

CUBS 3RD: Owen grounded out (Valenzuela unassisted); Eckersley
grounded out (Guerrero to Brock); Dernier grounded out (Anderson
to Brock); 0 R, 0 H, 0 E, 0 LOB. Cubs 1, Dodgers 0.

DODGERS 3RD: Anderson was called out on strikes; Valenzuela
grounded out (Sandberg to Moreland); Sax singled; Landreaux made
an out to Sandberg; 0 R, 1 H, 0 E, 1 LOB. Cubs 1, Dodgers 0.

CUBS 4TH: Sandberg grounded out (Brock unassisted); Matthews
singled to Stubbs; Moreland reached on a fielder's choice
[Matthews to second]; Davis tripled to Stubbs [Matthews scored,
Moreland scored]; Cey grounded out (Anderson to Brock); Cotto
struck out (Scioscia to Brock); 2 R, 2 H, 0 E, 1 LOB. Cubs 3,
Dodgers 0.

DODGERS 4TH: Stubbs made an out to Cey; Guerrero made an out to
Dernier; Marshall grounded out (Eckersley to Moreland); 0 R, 0
H, 0 E, 0 LOB. Cubs 3, Dodgers 0.

CUBS 5TH: Owen grounded out (Anderson to Brock); Eckersley
struck out; Dernier made an out to Brock; 0 R, 0 H, 0 E, 0 LOB.
Cubs 3, Dodgers 0.

DODGERS 5TH: Scioscia singled to Matthews; Brock walked
[Scioscia to second]; Anderson singled to Matthews [Scioscia
scored, Brock to second]; Valenzuela forced Brock (Eckersley to
Cey) [Anderson to second]; Sax made an out to Dernier; Landreaux
struck out; 1 R, 2 H, 0 E, 2 LOB. Cubs 3, Dodgers 1.

CUBS 6TH: Sandberg struck out; Matthews was called out on
strikes; Moreland made an out to Landreaux; 0 R, 0 H, 0 E, 0
LOB. Cubs 3, Dodgers 1.

DODGERS 6TH: Stubbs made an out to Cotto; Guerrero made an out
to Dernier; Marshall grounded out (Owen to Moreland); 0 R, 0 H,
0 E, 0 LOB. Cubs 3, Dodgers 1.

CUBS 7TH: Davis singled to Stubbs; Cey grounded into a double
play (Guerrero to Sax to Brock) [Davis out at second]; Cotto
grounded out (Sax to Brock); 0 R, 1 H, 0 E, 0 LOB. Cubs 3,
Dodgers 1.

DODGERS 7TH: Scioscia doubled to Matthews; Brock made an out to
Dernier; Anderson grounded out (Eckersley to Moreland) [Scioscia
to third]; WHITFIELD BATTED FOR VALENZUELA; Whitfield made an
out to Cotto; 0 R, 1 H, 0 E, 1 LOB. Cubs 3, Dodgers 1.

CUBS 8TH: HOOTON REPLACED WHITFIELD (PITCHING); Owen made an out
to Landreaux; Eckersley grounded out (Guerrero to Brock);
Dernier singled to Stubbs; Sandberg singled to Landreaux
[Dernier to third]; Matthews singled to Stubbs [Dernier scored,
Sandberg to second]; Moreland walked [Sandberg to third,
Matthews to second]; Davis made an out to Landreaux; 1 R, 3 H, 0
E, 3 LOB. Cubs 4, Dodgers 1.

DODGERS 8TH: Sax made an out to Dernier; Landreaux made an out
to Matthews; Stubbs was called out on strikes; 0 R, 0 H, 0 E, 0
LOB. Cubs 4, Dodgers 1.

CUBS 9TH: Cey singled to Anderson [Cey to second (error by
Anderson)]; Cotto struck out; Owen walked; JOHNSTONE BATTED FOR
ECKERSLEY; Johnstone singled to Stubbs [Cey to third, Owen to
second]; Dernier lined into a double play (Sax to Anderson)
[Owen out at third]; 0 R, 2 H, 1 E, 2 LOB. Cubs 4, Dodgers 1.

DODGERS 9TH: WOODS REPLACED MATTHEWS (PLAYING LF); SMITH
REPLACED JOHNSTONE (PITCHING); Guerrero made an out to Dernier;
Marshall singled to Dernier; Scioscia singled to Cotto [Marshall
to second]; BAILOR RAN FOR SCIOSCIA; Brock forced Bailor
(Moreland to Owen) [Marshall scored (error by Owen), Brock to
second]; REYNOLDS BATTED FOR ANDERSON; BRUSSTAR REPLACED SMITH
(PITCHING); Reynolds singled to Cotto [Brock scored]; MALDONADO
RAN FOR REYNOLDS; RUSSELL BATTED FOR HOOTON; Russell singled to
Cotto [Maldonado to second]; Sax walked [Maldonado to third,
Russell to second]; Landreaux struck out; 2 R, 4 H, 1 E, 3 LOB.
Cubs 4, Dodgers 3.

Final Totals R H E LOB
Cubs 4 11 1 6
Dodgers 3 8 1 8

Writing from Work

I'm writing from my desk at work(it's lunch), and all is good. I hard a really hard weekend, with a problem finally being resolved last night. That's all I'll say. It's funny much of an idoit I can be sometimes. Though when I finally get my head out my ass, I'm alright. You live, you learn.

Why My Money Will Go to APU

As some of you already know, I've been going through an employment application process at Biola for about two months. I was applying for the position of Undergraduate Admissions Counselor.

I've worked in the admissions department before as a student so I knew exactly what I was getting into. And I must say, the times that I was called in to interview, as a member of a group, and as an individual, were pleasant. The people who work in department are so nice and I felt like we were communicating well with each other. I also took a clerical test twice, which was expected, and I entertained a number of phone calls which I tried to be very helpful and make their job easier as they tried to pick the right person for the job.

I get a letter in the mail on Wednesday from Biola and I knew immediately that they chose not to hire me. To be honest, I was sad and bummed. That soon passed because things like that happen all the time and I've gotten so use to rejection from a number of other opportunities.

The letter states:(With typos intact)

Dear Michael Sycz:

Thank you for interviewing for Undergraduate Admissions Counselor position here at Biola University. We appreciate the time you spent with us. However, it has been determined that other candidates more closely meet the needs of this position.

Again, thank you for your communication with us and we wish you the very best as you consider a change in your employment situation.

Sincerely'(name withheld)

Now, I was expecting a letter like this. It's fine. Life goes on. I'm meant to be somewhere else.

Fast forward to Friday afternoon and I get a call on my cellphone from the head of the admissions department. She's calling to say thank you and pretty much tell me why they didn't hire me.

As a person who has been through many, many interviews, I thought this was excellent. An employer was going to give me constructive criticism and I was going to find out what I didn't have or what I did wrong as to prevent me from getting the job.

Please forgive me for not knowing exactly, quote for quote, was said but the statement went something like this.

Head Admissions Lady: I just wanted to tell you Michael that it has been a pleasure talking with you and we appreciate your participation in this interview process. But we have decide that we are not going to hire anyone right now. The department is in a state of flux right now and is going through a lot of changes.

I was silent. I managed to thank her for calling me but a fire was soon growing in me.

After I hung up, my initial thoughts were of anger.

You mean you're not hiring anybody? I drove from Burbank to La Mirada for nothing? Are you saying I never had a chance in the first place? And that not only did you waste my time but the time of 12 other people applying. And also the monetary loss that was wasted on this "non-application process." I wonder how much student money is wasted like that on a yearly basis at old BU? Who decided to not hire at the position after wanting to before hand?

It took me awhile to come out of that anger ball I was in. In fact the anger that I had almost ruined my weekend with my girlfriend.

So another story for the books. Another bad Biola experience. They seem to be more frequent now. That University.......

You know what? Biola is not a University. In name only, maybe. From here on I'm calling it the Institute. That's what it is. It's run like one.

Though the one great thing that came out of this fiasco is the fact that I was saved from working at a place that I probably would have hated. I also contacted a place in which I interviewed at before hand and got another interview that took place on Friday. A place were they help people out of debt and NOT rip them off. In La Mirada. A place I would love to work at because I would be helping people. Helping people is my passion.

So hopefully I may be employed again very soon. Or maybe not. God only knows.

Anyways, if you want to go to Biola, email me and I'll tell you why you shouldn't. And this is coming from someone who was "Mr Biola." I was VP, did mission trips, produced the news programs on campus, did radio, spoke in chapel, and found out what really goes on behind the scenes.

*UPDATE*
I got the job at the Debt consolidation place. I start work Monday.

Update

So I didn't get this job at Biola. They just strung me along for a ride for about two months before I saw the mail this morning and received a letter finally telling me that I'm not good enough. They could have at least called me and saved themselves 34 cents.

My money situation is very bad right now and I'm continuing my job search with the direction of applying at as many school districts as I can. I should be able to get a job as a substitute. Anything to get me out of this house.

In other news, Maddux is a Cub again. I would write more about this but life sucks too much.

The Day After

Yesterday, I had my second interview with Biola and it went well. Though I don't really expect to get hired. The other interviewees seemed much more adapted to that kind of work. Hopefully I'm just fooling myself.

I pick up Kristin from the airport today, hopefully. I worry that the flight might delayed because her visa in China ran out yesterday and that can pose some problems for her departure. Though when I hear her voice from SFO I'll be feeling better.

Hopefully someone other than myself is reading this because none of my friends are being updated. And no one has responded my posts for about a month. Maybe I should post a question to the internet masses?

What is your favorite cartoon of all-time?

Let's see if that works.

[Listening to Blur's 13]

Big Day Tomorrow

I got an interview with Biola tomorrow. It's a group interview, which I hate, but at least I get shot at working there. It would be nice to get it. I hope it's ment to be. I'm a little nervous right now thinking about it. Throw one up to the Almighty if you care. I need some prayer, some help.

New Computer

I just got a new computer and boy am I happy with it. I switched over to the PC side this time. The speed on this thing great. It's like going from a 1984 Oldsmobile Omega to a Ferrari. And I can burn CDs! Now all I need is a job.