It has been a long and stressful week filled with sleeplessness, fatigue and some more emotional agnst. But I'm not complaining. This is all part of the human experience called life. And as Job says, whom am I only to praise God only during the good times but through times of inequity as well. (MSJV)

I'm emotionally racked from the concern of others(ok only one "other") and it kills me that I can do nothing else but fight from my knees. My complex has made me someone who wants to help and save people yet I'm learning one the hardest lessons of life right now which is being helpless. It's easy for some people to just look the other way or put themselves in such a position in which they see themselves above the fray of life that others are going through. Though I consider these people assholes. I want to see myself as equal to others and if capable, help them. Though I know this can turn into a problem later on. I can see the danger of myself turning into Holden Caulfield from the Cather in the Rye. Or like everyone else in my profession of the civil servent/adrenaline junkies, being able to help everyone else yet not being able to help themselves. I don't want to become a burnout. Maybe I should seek counseling, when I have the money. Or through my church.

Though I must say, that going to my clinicals is the only part of my life that I'm excited about right now. I enjoy myself so much there. Amongst the blood, the cries of pain, and the looks of despair, I see the hope in all these individuals. The line between death and life is very thin there and I like being a soldier on that frontline.

love will call you by name
in it's dulcet tones
briars and brambles you once trod
will give way to pathways of loam

though your eyes are almost closed
and your ears are shut
soon the hand that riles the world
will poke you in your pale gut

there will be no archers, naked and fat
there will be no orchestra swells
when you hear love's lucid and elegant cry
there will be no pealing of bells

when it starts, starts to call
you will turn your head
and for the inaugural time
you'll shake off the shackles of dread

there will not be a whisper or yelp from afar
there will not be a word calm and coy
for when love calls your name it will ring bright and full
like a bungle call through the white noise

Last night I spent a good hour in the rain. From about 2:30 to 3:30am I was walking around my neighborhood, letting that water hit my head and careen down my face. I love the rain. And the first rain of the season is always the best. My entire body was soaked.

There is something about the element of water that I enjoy so much. My older sister can attest to this. I have always felt in my most natural state being in or around water. I felt like a wilted plant that has finally felt the first shower after a long drout.

Lately Sundays have been a strange day for me. I have been the most emotional and most reflective on these days. I am always attacked on Sunday. Even on the day of rest they do not sleep. These are usually my days of battle.

There are a lot of people I know who are going through very trying times right now. It's so sad. I know of a couple broken marriages, break-ups, and especially depression. I know that I am going through depression right now and it's hard to fight it. I can't let go of myself because I don't want to go deeper. I know what could happen to me and that is somewhere I never want to be again. No one really really knows how close I came to the end. But God is good. He has never left me, even in the wilderness. He has taught me so much.

Psalm 42

¹ As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.
² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?
³ My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, Where is your God?
⁴ These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.
⁵
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and
⁶ my God.
My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon--from Mount Mizar.
⁷ Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.
⁸
By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me--a prayer to the God of my life.
⁹
I say to God my Rock, Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?
¹⁰ My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, Where is your God?
¹¹
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God.

Psalm 43

¹ Vindicate me, O God, and plead my cause against an ungodly nation; rescue me from deceitful and wicked men.
² You are God my stronghold. Why have you rejected me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?
³ Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell.
⁴ Then will I go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the harp, O God, my God.
⁵
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God.

A Conversation Between A Junkie And An EMT-B Intern.

Patient is a male in his mid-twenties, he had just been given a dose of Narcan. His pulse was at 135, tachypnic, ashen skin color, with pin point pupils. He had just overdosed on heroin half an hour ago.

Patient in Semi-Fowlers position, given 15L O2 with nonrebreathable mask. IV administered.

Junkie: [taking off mask]
I will never shoot up again. Oh God, I hate this shit. I'm so fucking cold.

EMT-B Intern: [laughing, laying blanket on patient]

Junkie: Why the hell are you laughing?

EMT-B Intern: Because I'm the only one who believes you.

Junkie: What?

EMT-B Intern: I said I'm the only one who believes that you will never shoot up again.

Junkie: Yeah... Your right. I've said that so many times. I don't believe myself anymore. I can't do it. What am thinking? I'm so full of shit. Why do you think I can stop?

EMT-B Intern: Because I need hope just as much as you do. If you couldn't stop, why would I be here to help you?

Junkie: God help me. I want to be free of this.

Patient immediately guards chest and soon after becomes unconscious. Ambulance stops to activate CPR and AED. Heart goes into asystole . Continued CPR all the way to the ER. Patient is pronounced dead on arrival.

Everyone, at least once in their life, should be able to help birth a child. Having just recently done it, it's still a little hard to talk about it. Not that it was a traumatic experience but because it was so amazing. The feeling is still with me. I hope someday soon I can articulate the feelings. It kind of makes me want to be a father.

When I use to box, I remember the feeling of being absolutly out of energy right before the last round. I would feel all the wounds on my body start to swell up and the distinct taste of blood in my mouth. I would feel legs starting to give way and my hands became so heavy that I could barely lift them up. And then my trainer would say the exact same thing to me in every bout. "Hey Mikey, how good does it feel right now. How good does it feel to be a boxer?" And those words always made me smile. It made me smile because I was fighting. I was broken, I had nothing in me, yet I was still going.

At this point in my life, I'm out of energy and all I want to do is give up. But why stop fighting? Why give up? Emotion aside, I can't stop. As much pain as I feel right now, it makes me smile that when I look at the my past, I'm still fighting. I don't really understand it, but here I am trying to get up for the next round. I can't do anything about the previous rounds I fought. I can't change it. I can't suddenly make the pain go away, in fact I kind of like it. All I can do is stand up and try to knock that son-of-a-bitch out because I know I have more fight than him.

Depression has tried me out. It has taken my will. But now I want it back. While Faith, Hope and Love are watching from my corner knowing the tide is finally turning again.

As the pain is still real, the want is still there, but the fight is just beginning. I can't stay in my corner because I am meant to fight. Life does not get easier. But it may get better. And that is worth fighting for. Love may hurt more than anything in this world, yet it is worth more than anything in this world.

But right now, I'm not fighting for Love, I've already won that battle. My battle, my fight, is with myself. And I need to win because there are things for me to do that have been planned long ago. I cannot lose.

Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur

Once again
I find myself sinking
softly
slowly
into the deep dark morass
of depression...
I ask myself
why bother
who cares?
I make myself get up
face another day
but I don't want to...
just want to crawl away
hide in a hole (cave?)
let the calm
cool
darkness
surround me...
then I realise what's happening
I cannot let this happen
again...
I must bring myself back up
into the light
I must fight
this depression

The Beast in Me

With regards to my last post, I'm reminded of song by Johnny Cash. How appropriate that he wrote it.

The beast in me
Is caged by frail and fragile bars
Restless by day and by night
Rants and rages at the stars
God help the beast in me

The beast in me
Has had to learn to live with pain
And how to shelter from the rain
And in the twinkling of an eye
Might have to be restrained
God help the beast in me

Sometimes it tries to kid me
That it's just a teddy bear
And even somehow manage to vanish in the air
And that is when I must beware
Of the beast in me that everybody knows
They've seen him out dressed in my clothes
Patently unclear if it's New York or New Year
God help the beast in me

The beast in me

My Darkness

Most of you who know me, understand that I was not cut from the same vine as a majority of people. I have experienced and seen things which I pray that none of you will ever have to know. A question that has plagued me for some time is why do people see this darkness in me while they know nothing about it? People will meet me and automatically see something in me that is.... I don't even know how to put it. I'll give you a couple examples of want I mean. First, since I was in high school, about my junior year, there was this shift in my peers, that made them say things about me as a fighter. Before this, I never was a fighter. I was a good kid that had good grades. But then the darkness came. I fought pretty often, played with some substances, and was actually feared by people. Case in point, while in an English class, working on a group project, I spent a few hours a week with three classmates(girls), who said to me, "Mike you're such a nice guy. But we thought of you as so intimidating. You are actually pretty scary." This bothered me for a long time. When I played football, my teammates said that when I put on my helmet, everything changed in me. They said I became an animal. Not knowing my physical limitations and having no fear. Those statements bothered me as well. Growing up through college and finding more of myself, I worked on my weaknesses, including the darkness in me. In my junior year at Biola, I made it a point to focus on the idea of Love in my life. And I'm not talking about romantic love but spiritual love. Loving one as you love yourself and taking in the considerations of others before you think about yourself. This was my escape from the darkness. Yet, it still is in me. Many see it. But I now know it's there and how God has used it to form me. It does not control me. Yet it still scares me sometimes. I see how it has influenced my life. I see how it has given me my perception of the world, of sin, my fallenness, and my passions in life. My understanding of the darkness has kept me away from the meaninglessness of the world. And though because of it, I can feel all the pain in this world, I can also feel joy that is indescribable.

I find it so strange that people still see it now. I was even once asked, "So what's your big secret." How do I get a nickname like "dead mike?" It's because as much as I try to hide it, my eyes reveal it.

I find it very hard to let go of feelings. Mainly because I don't want to. But when you know it's in the best interest of everyone to let go, you must. And hope kills me. I don't want to give up on hope. I guess this is my new struggle. To some how hope yet let go at the same time. Pain is still in me yet I know that healing will soon begin.