Thursday, December 30, 2004

It was nice to get away for awhile. Christmas was a nice, relaxing time in which all I did was eat, sleep, and read. I read an autobiography of MLK, For Whom the Bell Tolls, The Sun Also Rises, The Sickness Unto Death and some music magazines courtesy of my sister who works at Tower Records. I need to finish the Kierkegaard book though. I started it about 15 months ago but set it down to read Immortality. I'm glad I did. I can understand and comprehend it so much more now. I’m sure maturity has something to do with it.

I've been watching the news and reading of the tsunamis in South East Asia. I have such a desire to go and help. If I could get someone to pay my ticket and if I was able to hook up with some organization, I would leave this instant and wouldn't even say goodbye. My EMT work here could wait. We have it too good here.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

There are times in your life in which it is shown to you who you really are. Dissappointment surrounds their face and you realize how much of a bastard you are. I am a bastard. You look back at a series of events in which your selfish heart and angry emotion take over and all you do is hang your head. Ashamed. I've got a bad emotional hangover this morning. And only time can heal it. And man, do I need to grow up.

I look up at the man that I want to be and see how far I have to go. It's so far.

I finally finished my EMT class yesterday. I'm so happy to be done with that final. Now I can study for the National Exam in January.

I want 2004 to end. It's been a hard on me. Espeacially the last 7 months.

I also need a vacation. Need to get away from here for a little bit.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

I'm almost done with my EMT class. I just took one of my finals, a test for LA County, which was HARD, and I have a skill final on Friday. If I pass both of these exams, I will able to take the National RegistryExam sometime in mid-January. After all the exams I took, all the clinical hours(60+), I still feel like I'm a novice in emergency pre-hospital care. I still feel like I should know so much more. I'm not satisfied.

Today I've been looking back at the past six months and realizing how much shit I've been through. I haven't been happy in a long time. I want to be happy. I want to be at a point in life where I can say, "Wow, life is great." It's been awhile. And I don't know if that time will come soon. It seems that everything is slipping through my fingers. I know that everyone has gone through these times, I myself have been through them before, but at this time, I've never felt so alone. So helpless. I hope that I'm suppose to feel this helplessness. It maybe this weakness that helps me through this time.




Wednesday, December 08, 2004

I See A Darkness

Well, you're my friend
And can you see
Many times we've been out drinking
Many times we've shared our thoughts
Did you ever, ever notice, the kind of thoughts I got
Well you know I have a love, for everyone I know
And you know I have a drive, for life I won't let go
But sometimes this opposition, comes rising up in me
This terrible imposition, comes blacking through my mind

And then I see a darkness
Oh no, I see a darkness
Do you know how much I love you
Cause I'm hoping some day soon
You'll save me from this darkness

Well I hope that someday soon
We'll find peace in our lives
Together or apart
Alone or with our wives
And we can stop our whoring
And draw the smiles inside
And light it up forever
And never go to sleep
My best unbeaten brother
That isn't all I see

And then I see a darkness
Oh no, I see a darkness
Do you know how much I love you
Cause I'm hoping some day soon
You'll save me from this darkness


What is a man to do with a heart that cannot take anymore pain? He is a shadow of humanity. A broken vessel that cannot hold anymore. A sail that is so tattered that the wind cannot be caught. An uprooted tree.

It feels that my blood now circulates backwards. Poison is in my veins. I would do anything to feel something different.

Let the Water flow over me.

And maybe someday I can stand on solid ground again.