Sometimes the pain is so great that all you want to do is cut yourself open so that it may bleed out of you. To cut open your chest and take out the very organ that causes this pain. I can't escape it. I cannot run away. It will not leave me. Why do I feel like I'm alone in this? This grief is consuming me. I will never give my heart away like this again. I will never fully love again. I feel like a shadow of myself. How can I be fully honest again? Everyone is a liar. Everyone is a thief. And I tried to live in a world where I thought love could conquer all. And the worst part of this feeling is that I still love regardless. I can't stop. Why won't God harden my heart? Why won't He let me forget? Why does He let me feel so much when she feels nothing? What am I too learn? Why do I still love? Help me God because no one else can. No one knows my pain but you do. And I have nothing left to fight my old foes who have come at my doorstep, after being away for years. I'm almost ready to give up.

It has been so hard to sleep this week. My mind is becoming my own prison in which I have conversations with people in my head which drives me to feel such great emotional angst. I can hardly study. All I do is pray constantly. I can understand when Paul says to pray without ceasing. That is all I can do. I have such a heaviness in me. A burden that I can barely lift. Though everyday I constantly see God reminding me that He cares and is here with me. Be it through friends, family, and even some strangers I've met. And there have been some note worthy things that have occurred but are too personal in nature to disclose here. I'd rather you ask me about them in person. It's still so hard yet these things let me understand that there is purpose.

Bringing Out The Dead



I just saw a great film. Everyone needs to rent Bringing

 Out The Dead.It's about three days of a paramedic's life

in New York. Nick cage is in it. It's directed by Martin

Scorsese. Here are some notable lines from it.





           Saving someone's life is like falling

            in love, the best drug in the world.

            For days, sometimes weeks afterwards,

            you walk the street making infinite

            whatever you see. Once, for weeks I

            couldn't feel the earth. Everything

            I touched became light. Horns played

            in my shoes; flowers fell from my

            pockets ...



            You wonder if you've become immortal,

            as if you saved your own life as

            well. What was once criminal and

            happenstance suddenly makes sense.

            God has passed through you, why deny

            it, that for a moment there, God was

            you.



            I realized that my training was useful

            in less than ten percent of the calls

            and saving someone's life was rarer

            than that. As the years went by I

            grew to understand that my role was

            less about saving lives than about

            bearing witness. I was a grief mop

            and much of my job was to remove, if

            even for a short time, the grief

            starter or the grief product. It was

            enough I simply showed up.

Better Now

So I think that I am now over this bizaare sickness that is West Nile. I ended up getting it by helping a friend pick up a dead bird off her porch in Pismo Beach last weekend. Looking back in hindsight, it was a very innocent thing to do, yet i should have known better than to pick it up with my bare hands, regardless of how fast I washed my hands afterwords. I'm going back to the doctor tomorrow because they want to check me out and make sure that everything is ok. At least now I'm immune to it.

Life has been tough lately for myself and also for many around me. I'm alomost waiting for the next wave to hit. Lots of saddness. Life is really hard to live right now. I'm trying to prevent the oncoming depression that is at my doorstep right now. I am noticing the sign of it in my life and I'm making steps to combat it. I'm trying to remain as social as I can and try to throw myself into my studies but this has proved to be very difficult. I'm going to start running again tomorrow to see if physical activity can help my mind and heart.

I've been listening to a lot of old Jamaican music lately. Some Willie Williams, Bob & Marcia, Desmond Decker, The Gaylads, The Maytals, The Upsetters, The Pioneers, Simaryp, etc. I love this stuff. Uplifting right now. It makes me move.

So I got news from the doctor today and my blood tests reveal that I contracted West Nile virus. I can't believe it. No wonder I've been feeling so sick. I'll be alright in about a week so no one should worry. I'll write more about it later after I get out of class.

Sick

I hate being sick in such hot weather. But this doesn't feel like a normal cold. It feels worse. I stopped by the doctor yesterday to see what was up. I'll find out soon what the hell is wrong with me.

Friendship