My Darkness

Most of you who know me, understand that I was not cut from the same vine as a majority of people. I have experienced and seen things which I pray that none of you will ever have to know. A question that has plagued me for some time is why do people see this darkness in me while they know nothing about it? People will meet me and automatically see something in me that is.... I don't even know how to put it. I'll give you a couple examples of want I mean. First, since I was in high school, about my junior year, there was this shift in my peers, that made them say things about me as a fighter. Before this, I never was a fighter. I was a good kid that had good grades. But then the darkness came. I fought pretty often, played with some substances, and was actually feared by people. Case in point, while in an English class, working on a group project, I spent a few hours a week with three classmates(girls), who said to me, "Mike you're such a nice guy. But we thought of you as so intimidating. You are actually pretty scary." This bothered me for a long time. When I played football, my teammates said that when I put on my helmet, everything changed in me. They said I became an animal. Not knowing my physical limitations and having no fear. Those statements bothered me as well. Growing up through college and finding more of myself, I worked on my weaknesses, including the darkness in me. In my junior year at Biola, I made it a point to focus on the idea of Love in my life. And I'm not talking about romantic love but spiritual love. Loving one as you love yourself and taking in the considerations of others before you think about yourself. This was my escape from the darkness. Yet, it still is in me. Many see it. But I now know it's there and how God has used it to form me. It does not control me. Yet it still scares me sometimes. I see how it has influenced my life. I see how it has given me my perception of the world, of sin, my fallenness, and my passions in life. My understanding of the darkness has kept me away from the meaninglessness of the world. And though because of it, I can feel all the pain in this world, I can also feel joy that is indescribable.

I find it so strange that people still see it now. I was even once asked, "So what's your big secret." How do I get a nickname like "dead mike?" It's because as much as I try to hide it, my eyes reveal it.